I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
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I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
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To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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