I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
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Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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