is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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