True but thats because hes a fetus.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
