i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Randomize
