planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
All the doctor said was why
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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