The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
