I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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