um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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