he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
