Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
