Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office