Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos