Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
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She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
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Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.