I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
