Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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