I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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