WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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