Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
