does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
