Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
