now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I stole a fireplace last night.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
