1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
is it fun? or sober?
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