I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
