I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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