i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
