Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
