You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
