new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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