My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
