We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you traded sex for a burrito?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
