You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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