Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
