Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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