i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
