the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
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