do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I could fuck to npr.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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