guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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