Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
