i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
