There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
