yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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