Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
