can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Randomize
