my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
