i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
