Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
