I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
