I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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