I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
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Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
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He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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