My liver just broke up with me...
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
