mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
