Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I cannot find my penis.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
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Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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