Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
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Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
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Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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