nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
