Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
