I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
