Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
