Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
