Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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