So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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