Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i need some magic done to my vagina
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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