WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I have feelings that need drinking.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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